I sit here, in Kanz's room, while he has a conversation with one of his ex-girlfriends (who he currently lives with). I feel frustrated-- not with myself, but rather, the situation at hand.
I can't tell if this is my fault. His ex-girlfriend had asked us (him, actually) to not have sex in the house while she was there. In a way, I guess it's somewhat realistic seeing that she lives here? Anywho, we've had sex a few times since then. Quietly. At least, I think we have? Yet, I sit here, 4 in the morning, alone in his room, while he talks with her over what I assume is her hearing us having sex.
He has been gone for over 20 minutes at this point. I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to leave.
"My love..." is what he called me. I clawed at him harder. Don't call me things like that unless you mean it... Please.
He whispered to me softly,"I'm afraid, because I'm falling in love with you."
"Why are you afraid?"
"Because I don't want to be taken advantage of."
"Do you think I would take advantage of you?"
"...No, I don't."
"Then, why are you afraid?"
I like him so much. It stresses me out.
"We could have not done this. Sex. And I still would have had a wonderful time with you."
"You make things so much more enjoyable."
"Is that a bad thing? You say it like it's a bad thing."
I feel helpless. Sad. I really want to be here-- but I wonder if it would be best for me to leave.
Maybe I am not welcome in this space and I should accept that. Yeah. Maybe I'm the problem.
No! You aren't! Stop it! Listen to your heart-- what does it say?
I want to run and hide. This wouldn't have happened if I were not in the picture. Maybe I should leave.
I want to be here for him. I'm not foing anywhere until he tells me to. When he tells me to go-- I will. Until then, I'll stick around. I hope he's okay with that. I feel... I don't know. My heart aches.