A Letter to Kanz

March 8, 2026

There's a song by Darren Criss, one of my favorite musicians, that I think about quite often. It's an original, he never professionally recorded it. It's called Words. The specific chorus I resonate with is I try to be a poet, but since I've met you, I've never been good with words

I know I'm good with words-- I almost went to an arts high school for God's sake in creative writing. Another story for another time. I'm great with words! But, I feel like my breath is taken away whenever I'm with you. I'm so in awe, watching the way your lips move, using your hands when you talk, the glimmer in your eyes. It's all so beautiful to me-- YOU are so beautiful to me.

I love how big your hands feels when they're holding mine. I love the winks you give me when you say something silly and suggestive. Your smile and laugh is so infectous. You also look so confident in yourself. I love the little forehead wrinkles that form when you get really deep into thought, or when you push your lips together in a "mmm"motion when you're trying to remember something. I love the intense look in your eyes when you're about to ravish me and fuck the absolute shit out of me.

I love all your tattoos. I love your glasses, how well they frame your face. I love the bridge of your nose. I love your mustache and how it tickles my lips everytime we kiss. I love that you're bald as fuck

. It's funny, hair has always been such a draw for me-- especially long curly hair-- but you look so handsome in the way you carry yourself. I can't help but stare and admire you.

Growing up, compliments were never something I was used to. They were either backhanded or had some sort of condition that had to be met. When it came to outward appearances, it was all objectified compliments. I was viewed as a sex object. It's why I never give compliments in regard to physical appearance-- they have always just been personality based. Even those sorts of compliments, I found myself slowing down on.

I'm learning how to accept how I love. I love very deeply, but am very bad at verbalizing it. I want to be better about it and I am actively working towards it. Thank you for being patient and understanding with me. I'm working my way there, I promise.

This is a letter I wrote to Kanz that I read out to him that very night. It was scary, but I needed him to know the value that he carried in my life. We had spoken earlier that day and he had expressed that he did not feel that I was attracted to him in a romantic way. That the things that I would do felt like something I would do for a very good friend (i.e. bringing them lunch to work, coffee, spending their breaks with them, etc.) so this was my response to that.