I sometimes think I jump into things head first so quickly that I don't allow myself to feel my emotions. I open up too quickly and trust people when they show me an ounce of intimacy.

My heart aches when I think about how many times I have given pieces of my heart to people and how many of them keep it, but choose to walk away. I think really heavily of my dad. I think of every time I gave him pieces of my heart and he took it and walked away.

But, I loved him so much- I couldn't fathom someone, let alone my own father, doing something like that to me.

But, I chose to love him, anyway. Why? Why didn't I stop? I saw all the warning signs...

The only signs I should have been aware of were the "STOP" signs in my neighborhood.

This pattern continuously happens. When a sliver of love or intimacy is shown, because it is so valuable to me, I assume the same goes for everyone. I run to it... Excitedly, might I add.

Am I not worth learning about? Am I not impoyrtant enough for people to ask questions about?

I always have wanted to learn so much more about people... Why don't they want to learn about me?

I felt this way with Steven. Someone, who seemed genuinely interested in me. We went out a handful of times. First was coffee. Then we lunch. Then was his house.

I thought we hit it off- until I realized he had not asked about me at all. Or at least, had an interest in what I had to say.

I felt hurt and betrayed. I thought this connection of intimacy with someone would go somewhere.

I felt angry, stemming from how hurt I was. I wanted him to know how it felt to be me. But I couldn't.

My pain felt so heavy, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It was so quick. From excitedly seeing his name on my phone, to now turning it into a one-sided game of cat and mouse.

The first time we were together, it was 0-100 right away. I had done something to hurt him and he voiced it out to me- something I wasn't used to so quickly. It was embarrassing, don't get me wrong.

To me, that was a sign of him giving a little piece of his heart to me. I had the opportunity to do what no one would do for me.

I went over at 3 in the morning, to essentially a stranger's house, to fix this. He made me tea and food, despite me being in the wrong to him. It meant a lot. I don't know if he even realized the weight of his actions, but to me, it was better than any sex that I could have ever been presented with.

I think I fell in love that night. How silly. To fall in love with a complete stranger because they made you toast and tea after hurting them.

Maybe I fell in love with the potential. Or maybe I fell in love with the act of kindness. All I know is that a dam opened that night. We slept together. God, I wanted to stay. I wanted to spend the night, my heart felt so full. I couldn't get enough of him. I stil don't think I can. I could not stop, maybe even getting to the point of obession.

How pathetic- to crave someone after they have shown you a sliver of kindness. Was I that depraved?

We got coffee a couple days later after he finished his classes. The hour we spend in his little Subaru on the street between school and work- I held on to it like a life mask. When I arrived at the coffee shop, I texted him that I had arrived. Albeit, 20 minutes late, he told me he left for work.

Yeah, why would he spend his time waiting on me, anyways? That makes sense. Just leave- I fucked up.

I felt nervous. First date jitters. This man had seen me naked and I was concerned about if he even liked me.

This man fucked the absolute shit out of me and I couldn't even think about him liking how I looked in everyday street clothes (the first time we had met, I was a mess from work in scrubs, no makeup, and probably smelled of animals from the clinic).

The first night, I kept laughing. We were laying on his little twin size futon. He looked up at me.

I was gobsmacked. I had just met this man. What the fuck is he saying. I asked him why or what made him say that.

Well. He got me there. I couldn't sit with the idea of someoneone just enjoying my company-- I had to be entertaining. He flirted with me.

I brought him coffee to work and lunch to him a few hours later. The car could not drive drive any faster. I wanted to be with him.

We sat in my little Subaru for 20 minutes. I didn't have much to say, I hope he didn't mind. Was I boring? I liked to listen to him talk. I liked his stutter. I liked when he said some dumb suggestive things to me and winked. His smile was infectious.

Tuesday, I spent the night. He picked me up after work. All day, I was beginning to get more and more comfortable with him. Texting silly things, multiple times over. The responses were sparse.

It came more than a few hours later. It felt bittersweet. Yay! He's messaging me! to Oh, he remembered I existed. There was no winning with my inner thoughts. I always assumed the worst.

He got tired of me. He figured out I'm not as "cool and mysterious". Yeah. That was it

We spend the first few hours being silly. I watched him edit video for his homework and loved watching him just... do stuff.

We watched some dude on Youtube talk about Magic the Gathering and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle release. We watched a Scottish streamer for an hour. We watched an old man talk about Lord of the Rings while he smoked out of a pipe. Kanz brought up snacks. I tried new food, stepped out of my comfort zone. I ate spicy vegetarian taquitios, pepperjack cheese, and chips with roasted red pepper hummus. Still not my first pick, but hey, it was a start.

We talked about Buddhism. We meditated. It was the first time I felt like I could just observe my thoughts without the pressure of habing to interact with them. I felt whole.

We had sex. At one point, while we were fucking, he looked me in the eyes and told me he wasn't going to hurt me. Maybe it was the weed, but it felt so... safe. Yes. This man won't hurt me. He told me he wouldn't! We already had sex- what would he lie to me for?

The dirty talk had stopped and it just felt... intimate. It felt like love. Even if it was for a split second. I felt it- but I don't know if he did, too. We slept wrapped up in each other's arms. I felt secure. Cared for.

We woke up maybe 3 1/2 hours later to get ready for the day. It was a slow morning. It started with soft touching. Kissing. Fucking. Morning quotable memes, I guess. It almost felt like he got what he wanted and was ready to dump me.

Maybe that's all that I was to him. A spectacle. I know that that isn't true. But, I still feel it sometimes.

Earlier that night when we had slept together, we laid quietly on his futon. The soft whirring of his bedroom fan. The 2-3 cars that would pass his window.

"We just watched almost 2 hours of videos together about a card game and an old man who likes smoking pipes. If I wanted convenient sex, why would I do all of that?

"They would. But no, it isn't convenient. You kissed me so gently everywhere. So intimately, like you wanted to know more about me. You were so soft to me.

"I wish you saw yourself the way I do. I see the way you look away when I undress you- you want that part to be over. I don't."

I thought it was something else. Like something special? Well, it was bound to end this way- right? It just took a bit longer.

Maybe he needed his emotional fill from this too and he got it. Or, he realized I couldn't fulfill that part of him. Okay, that's cool. I'm glad he came to that realization.

"If I got some of my friends together to play Magic at Finch and Sparrow, would you and Chrys like to join?"

We texted far and few between today. No meetup. I sent him and spammed him with random things- my usual self when I am comfortable. Nothing for a few hours.

Come on, I know you have some time in between- why can't you just shoot me a quick acknowledgement? Maybe I'm asking for too much. I like him a lot. But, I'm ready for him to hurt me, too. I wonder if he feels the same.

I need to be romanced. I need to know you want to see me, too. I need to know you cherish me the way I do for you. I just want to know what it's like to get a surprise cup of coffee in the morning. I want to know what it's like to have someone ask me to clear time for them. I need someone to hold my hand- WANT to hold my hand. Kiss me just because.

I want to feel wanted the way I want them. Show up to my house with flowers. Leave me a note. Something to show me that I'm not the only person who cares in this... Whatever this is.

** To elaborate, Kanz's hurt came from me telling him about another romantic partner that I had interest in that I was frustrated about feeling ghosted by (Steven). Kanz expressed hurt because he had been waiting on me all day to know if I was coming over to his place, but due to the fastpaced and chaotic nature of my work, getting a response from me during work hours was a rarity. I had made him aware of this. During my downtime at work, Kanz was hurt that I spoke to him about another lover in my life while he was trying to pursue this new relationship of sorts with me. I was very clear about the type of polyamory my partner and I practice, which was known as "Kitchen Table Polyamory", where everyone is aware of everyone else.

Journal Entry 1

February 25, 2026